I lost myself
by notfrozen
Summary: One-shot. What I'd like to see happening after Callie and Arizona's final scene in the finale. / First Calzona fic, be nice. Reviews are very much appreciated. No Beta so all mistakes are mine. A/N: None of these characters are mine.


"Apparently I lost you." They stood there, tears streaming down their faces, hearts hurting like nothing they've had experienced in complete silence.

"No, Callie. I lost myself." Arizona spoke so softly neither of them we're exactly sure they heard it, the ugly truth. Callie's mind was running 1000 miles a minute, she was trying to think of when it had all gone wrong. Was she really that blind?

"I- I shouldn't have pushed you." She hang her head, shaking it slightly. She just wanted her wife back. She was miserable, she had no one left besides her wife and she missed her the most. They were so happy before all of this happened, she just wanted it back.

"No, you shouldn't have." Arizona's head was also spinning. Was it really it? She didn't want to hurt Callie like that, not in a million years and she still has no idea why she did it but everything was so messed up in her head. She was trying to be happy and she really thought it was working, she was getting back to be the wife Callie needed but she failed.

"Why don't know why I did it, Callie. I feel like I don't know much of anything anymore." Arizona set in the armchair behind her, her elbows on her knees and head in her hands. All of this was such a mess. She made a terrible, terrible mistake.

"Do you want to be with her?" God, just the thought of that made Callie feel like the ground beneath her was opening and swallowing her. But what if Arizona could never forgive her? What if she couldn't trust her wife anymore? She sat down on the couch across her wife and curled up. How many times had they curled up on the couch enjoying a silly and lazy day? She wanted that again, she thought she had it and now when she thinks about it, all she could see is her wife with another woman.

"No, Callie. I don't." Arizona wanted to tell her wife she was being ridiculous, that she loved her and only her but that wouldn't sound right, was it? She had said horrible things to Callie just now and she was so ashamed of herself. She was ashamed of her feelings and she knew for sure she didn't deserve her. Would she ever get better or she'd always be a bitter version of herself?

"Why didn't you say anything, Arizona?" Maybe she should have known but she hadn't and Arizona didn't say anything or maybe she tried and Callie once more didn't see it. Everything was happening so fast, things were changing, things were changed forever. But she was so close of getting her wife back, or so she thought.

"Do you know how beautiful you are when you smile, Callie?" Arizona lifted her eyes and looked straight into Callie's. She was so stupid, the most beautiful woman she's ever seen was just across her, even with the tears she was miraculous and she just screwed everything up. She gave Callie a sad smile after hearing her scoff, it would take more than a compliment to make her wife believe her again, she knew that. "You are so breathtakingly beautiful when you smile but you didn't smile anymore, you cried and it was my fault but when we thought everything was okay, you were smiling again. I thought we could keep going and that I'd feel whole again but apparently I was wrong."

Now after doing what she once swore she would never do she felt the cold reality slapping her in the face, she needed help. A help Callie was able to give.

"What are we going to do? We have a child, Arizona. But I just… I keep seeing you with her and it hurts so much to even look at you right now." She felt like her heart was shattered. Could they get back from this?

"I could- I could start therapy or something, by myself first. And you could join if you want to. I mean, this was a huge mistake, Callie. I'll never be able to put into words how very sorry I am for hurting you like this but we can try. If you want to, if you still want me, we can try, right?" Callie sighed, she could see so much hurt in those eyes she loved so much and yes, they could try, she just wasn't ready right now. Arizona should get better first and she needed to get better too. It wasn't true what Arizona said, she knew that, she lost a lot too. And the pure devastation she felt inside her told her she wasn't healed yet either.

"Maybe we should get help, yes. But we… I think we need some time apart, Arizona, until we work this out." Arizona gave her a small nod, bitting her lip to keep from crying more. She knew Callie was right and she knew it was all her fault but it still hurt. She had it coming, though.

"Do you think we'll be okay?" Callie's voice was so small it broke Arizona's heart all over again. She did that, she's the one who put all of those doubts in her head and made her heart ache. She was done hurting Callie. She needed to be better because when Callie hurt, she hurt too.

"I hope so." It wasn't the best answer, but it was the honest one. Should fight to make things right with her wife again, of that she was sure.


End file.
